I know

I know that a lot of good things have happened in my life, but honestly, I am sooooo sick of hearing about other women's pregnancies. I even have had to stay off of the forums because I just can't take it! Some days I get mad, very mad......and some days I am just down about it. I know that we have our "goal" for IVF, but for one, it seems so far away, and who knows what will happen from now till then. I think maybe this is just one of my bad days, where I am just pissed and annoyed and mad at the world.

I am mad about temping, who knows if it is correct or not, I am mad because I just want to relax and take a breather for a weekend, and not think of any of the crap going on. I want to be able to relax and NOT hear about pregnant women or see them or anything. I am mad that I feel guilty when I do things like drink wine or other things that you can't do when you are pregnant (all I am gonna say is "other things") and shouldn't do while TTC, even though there is no way at this point that I could get pregnant naturally.

I guess I am also mad that for all the positive thinking about IVF there is that chance that it may not work, then we are back to the drawing board. I am pissed that we have to do IVF in the first place. To have so many people involved with something that should be a wonderful experience that 2 people share.

I don't know.......

It's been awhile

I have not been posting as often as I would like, but you know how it goes! Lots of things have been going on.

The move to North Carolina will not happen. Not only will we save more money staying in NJ, but we will finally have a goal for IVF. Hopefully, it will be able to happen faster/sooner then we thought.

11/25/2009, our 2 year anniversary, Skylr proposed, and of course, I said yes. It not only was exciting, but just felt very much like another part of the puzzle was in place.

I still am temping, even though it is useless. I still wish that we could get pregnant without "help", but I don't think that will happen.

We are looking into health insurance. It would help with the bloodwork, the S/A, and some of the meds for IVF. Which would be a big help. I could get the HSG, and not worry about it. As long as SIRM participates with that insurance, which I have to find out about.

Like I said, lots has been going on.

I have been

MIA! It's been so long since I last posted, and so much has happened. The dream of living on a farm is finally happening! 13 acres in a 6 bedroom home in North Carolina. Which will hopefully become a working sheep farm.

We also had a consultation with an IVF clinic. Everything is in order and we now await the financial planner's phone call to get us prices. I hope that this is our final holidays as a two-some. We would love to spend next Holiday season as a three-some or four-some!

I honestly can't even begin to describe how it felt to be at the clinic and talking with the doctor. I felt so full of hope and longing for things to come. We looked at the baby book in the waiting room, and it had a lot of sets of twins, and I am just hoping we could be as lucky.

I thought IVF and thr process and expense would just wear us down, but we don't have that much to do before hand. I have had lots of blood work done in the past few months, so that does not need to be redone. I will need a FSH, LH and Estridol panel, and a saline US and he will need another SA, but all in all, it's three tubes of blood, another US and some sperm in a cup.

So, I am looking forward to the next step!

Day 2......

no Soy. I have not had heartburn and I think I have more energy. I was able to clean the house yesterday, and I didn't want to sit down in between rooms. So, I am hopeful that after a month or 2, we should see some real results.

Grass fed beef tastes WONDERFUL! Very sweet, it had lots of flavor! The next step will be 100% grass fed chicken eggs. Luckily, we can find them locally.

Living Soy-free is going to take some getting used to though. It's hard to find bread that is soy-free, which means no bread crumbs and no stuffing. I will have to make my own. And snacks are far and few. Homemade Chex Mix...and who knows.

Anyway, temps are still high. I am thinking that if the Provera does nothing, I am going to get another brand of HPT and try it. It's unlikely, and almost impossible. But, I need to do something! My next doctor's appt is not until October (late October).

Until next post!

What now?

Well, my temps are still super HIGH. It's been 6 days today of Provera. I don't know what's going on now.

I was doing research on vitamins last night, and after some thought, I decided to read up about Soy. Was I shocked! I didn't realize how badly soy affected men and women. So, we made the choice to go as soy free as possible. With Soy being in almost EVERYTHING, we realize we are not going to be able to go totally soy free, but we are going to try. Soy may be the reason for the MFI, and the reason for weight gain. And may be partially the reason for such bad PCOS symptoms.

I went to Whole Foods yesterday to do some food shopping. 100% Grass Fed Meats, 100% Soy Free Tuna, 100% Olive Oil, 100% Soy Free Butter and Cheese. The only thing I am going to have to search hard for is soy free bread. I am thinking about getting a bread maker and making my own.

I am hoping by cutting out a lot of Soy, and taking vitamins (with no soy in them), we may be able to (1) loose weight easier; (2) get a really good SA; (3) be more healthy!

I would say that reading up on Soy Allergies and what Soy can do to you is a MUST!

Not sure....

what is going on! My temp is higher then ever for waking temps. I started Provera after the BFN, because I guess even an ectopic would have given a BFP. Or I hope so. Maybe I am coming down with something, and that is why temps are high? Maybe I have an ear infection again?

Skylr and I took a road trip after working yesterday. Went almost 2 hours into PA, and it was kind of nice. We actually talked about a lot. And resolved a lot. I told him, that if we are going to move forward, then we have to move forward. I can't get hopeful, and then a month or two later, hear that some other "thing" is preventing planning. Infertility is hard enough without the yo-yo effect.

So, the plan is to move forward. I am going to send him some IVF links, so that he can read exactly what it is we are going to have to go through. And we will probably find a doctor with a free consultation, and schedule one. I told Skylr, it's not like they poke you with a needle and BAM, your pregnant. There are tests, there is BW, there are drugs, there is sedation......it's a long process. It's also not intimate. It's not like we can go to bed, light some candles, play some "mood music" and a few weeks later, I am pregnant. In our case (and a lot of other people's) it is going to take a whole team of people to make us parents. I told him, there is going to be more people poking me and looking at my hoo-ha, then all the men that have been in my life romantically.
We talked about shared risk, and we talked about clinical trials. We figured that there are some places that charge around $5,000.00-$6,000.00 for one cycle. We should do one first. Then possibly go into shared risk. But we need to look into that as well, since some places only do shared risk starting with your first cycle.

I also expressed that, it's not just me. He needs to be taking vitamins and avoiding certain things too. No more excess coffee, no more excess soda. After all, if it were just my egg that could make a baby, why would we need a man??? Nope, it doesn't work that way, you need sperm too. And they need to be healthy, swimming and abundant.

So, we will see. I know for certain, that none of this is going to be easy.

So.....

temp went up again this AM, and against my better judgement, I tested. After a crappy night's sleep, I was not in a good mood to begin with. To see that BFN sitting on the counter was enough to send me further down. Today, I am just so sick of it all. I am doing all this crap for what seems like nothing right now. I need to start eating better again, and exercising more, but it's hard. I work on my feet pretty much all day. I eat a small breakfast, just enough so that I know I won't get sick from the vitamins. Then I have dinner much later on.

I have to battle with depression, and I just feel useless, tired and annoyed all the time. I am annoyed at having to take 14 pills a day. I am annoyed that I am the only one out of this couple, who is doing all the research and taking the damn pills, I am the one who has to stick the stupid thermometer in my stupid mouth every stupid morning, I am the one who has to worry about my eggs, uterus, tubes, ovaries, and his sperm counts. I have to find phone numbers, make appointments and what seems like pull things out of my ass! And I have no control over anything! NONE! My body fails me, and hell, I guess my mind is too. I can't seem to get out of this depression for more then a few hours, if that, and I am back at square one.

There is talk about the study in Philly again.....but out of all the women on the PCOS websites, I don't think 20% of them have had success with clomid or femera in less then 6 months, and with MFI, they don't even have that. Clomid and femera with MFI is less than 1% success rate. And for the majority, clomid and femera don't work at all for them even without MFI. So, that then leaves IUI, which with MFI....they give about an 8% chance of working . IVF has a 30% national average success rate and I think that is with ICSI. So, those odds just BLOW!!! So, do I waste my time with the clomid/femera trial in the mean time while waiting to do IVF? Then to do the clomid/femera trial, that means sex three times a week. COME ON????!!!! REALLY! Right now, I am so depressed and my sex drive has never been so low. Right this second, I wouldn't care if I never had sex again! Which, if you knew me, you would know that that is cause for alarm right there.

I found out that one of the IVF studies I was interested in, the $5,300.00 study, has ended (well, I think it ended with one doctor but not the other) and that price was for ONE cycle. An experimental cycle at that! I am too scared to call SHER. I don't want to know right now what their idea of a low cost plan is. There are some others as well. But then you have to question. At $5,000.00 a sheer minimum a cycle, not guaranteed to work, and if it does not take you are out the $5,000.00 plus, why not go into a shared risk program where you pay $20,000.00 but get 6 cycles and all your money back if you do not deliver a healthy baby????????? There is a clinic in Alaska that has cycles for $1,800.00 (I think that is still his price). But how many people can afford to go to Alaska for as many weeks as it takes for IVF?????

Oh the stress!

FF...

Fertility Friend. The site that I visit EVERY morning. It is the second things I do EVERY morning. First thing is to temp, of course. So, yesterday I was 19 DPO, and now today, I am 20 DPO. I really thought AF would be knocking, with the severe cramps and back pain I had. But my temp went back UP to the coverline this morning. It certainly confuses me. FF is begging me to test.... "You have more than 18 days of high temperature. Please take a test, you may be pregnant" The actual quote from the site. To which I reply "not bloody likely". I bought a FRER HPT yesterday, but could not bring myself to do it this morning. I thought maybe just see what my temps do tomorrow. I know I should do it, so that I could start Provera. But looking at that pink box sitting on the bathroom counter.....I go to touch it and open it, and it's like the box contains a rattlesnake. Very scary......the fear of the BFN (LOL it should be a book title)! The fear of failing, once again, as a woman. The fear that I will NEVER have the family I so want. The fear that maybe more is wrong then just PCOS and MFI. Maybe my tubes are blocked? The fear that I will become what I don't want to be. Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear.......

I am sick of disappointment. I am sick of hoping and getting no where. I think it is starting to eat away at what optimism I had left. So, will see what temps do in the AM, and test and proceed with caution. Each BFN seems to send me reeling further down.

DPO (days past ovulation)

According to FF I am 19 DPO. I was so hoping AF would visit without being forced. Severe cramps and pain in my legs lead me to believe that it may happen, and my temps dipped ever-so-slightly this AM. Hopefully AF will come in the AM. If not, well, I am going to take a HPT, even though I know it will be neg, and start Provera.

The parts of IVF that scare me is: Sperm need to be as healthy as the egg for faster success. That could mean VITAMINS (Zinc, Vitamin C, Selenium, etc.) or who knows. The cost and attempts scare me. Stats don't always mean anything, but they do say that it takes an average of 4 IVF cycles to take. I don't own anything to sell, and I don't know how to make large sums of money out of my profession. I don't have any hobbies that could pay off. And I don't play the lottery. My credit.....no go for financing. WTH? How could it come to this? I missed the boat for the only true FREE IVF cycles. And it was a trial in which they did cycles until it took. Every other trial I found started at $4,000.00 for an experimental IVF cycle. ONE cycle.

I looked into egg donation or shared cycle. Donation now scares me before I have a chance to do it for myself. What if something goes wrong? What if during the harvesting they ruin my ovaries? What if I get OHSS? What if the donation goes well, and then MY ET does not? Or my ER AND ET does not?? What if I produce fewer and fewer eggs for the harvesting and then I am left with hardly any to work with to get pregnant? If for every 25 eggs they get, only 10 get fertilized and only 3 make it???? What then???

So many fears. So many worries. So many anxieties. So many problems.

Songs.....

Here is a list of songs that are either about infertility or have lyrics that really say how I feel. And I am sure women who are suffering through infertility feel the same.

1. "I Would Die For That" Kellie Coffey (10 tissue rating!)
2. "So Hard" Dixie Chicks (5 tissue rating)
3. "Sorrow" Flyleaf (4 tissue rating)
4. "Slipped Away" Avril Lavigne (3 tissue rating)
5. "Mockingbird" Rob Thomas (not yet rated)
6. "Someday" Rob Thomas (not yet rated)
7. "Hard On You" Rob Thomas (not yet rated)
8. "Natural" Rob Thomas (not yet rated)
9. "Little Wonders" Rob Thomas (6 tissue rating)
10. "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" Heart (3 tissue rating)


If I find more songs and lyrics, I will post them!

it was....

nice today to talk to someone who understands what I am going through. Not talking online, but in person. I was able to talk about my frustrations, my longings, my anxiety. To express my anger. Express my depression and disconnection I feel.

It also helped me actually understand some of what I am feeling. To put into words what it is that is all jumbled up inside. And to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Or that for us, dealing with infertility, these feelings are normal.

I used to think that people who felt this way were obsessive. Now, I know that it comes from way down, in your heart, in your soul. The way you can feel a panic attack coming on when you hear someone else is pregnant. The way you can feel bile rising when people start talking about babies. The dry heaves when people bring up baby showers, toys, diapers, cribs, strollers, maternity, prenatal. The feeling of being trapped. I can only guess that it is how a horse feels when it is cornered by fear. The panic. And the feeling of the flight instinct kicking in. Which is probably why people lash out with words, as a horse (or any other animal) would lash out with kicks and bites. I try to censor it as much as possible. But sometimes I want to scream.

Sometimes I want to yell and scream and curse. Sometimes I just get so mad. I get mad at life, I get mad at work, I get mad at myself, I get mad at Skylr, I get mad at the dogs, I get mad at my family. And I want to yell, and cry and rage.

I am at the point where I get pissed off at the Maury show. The "I'm not the father" thing. I mean, women who have slept with all the male citizens of a small town, and to top it all off, are strippers or who are 13 can get pregnant. Women who cheat, women who sleep with their husband's brother/cousin/best friend. It's enough to make you cringe.

Or you have the "wonderful" news article that talks about the man who put cocaine in his child's jacket pocket, telling him that it was candy, so he wouldn't be caught by the police. The child then goes to school, and of course, tells the other students he has candy. And they proceed to open the cocaine and lick it!!!!!

I mean, these are the people that are able to be parents!!!!!!! How is THAT fair? Where is the justice there????

Whereas, people, like me, who have good morals, but may have made a few mistakes, can't have a family on their own. I will admit, I have made mistakes. I know I have. And I have had my share of failures, but I have accepted them with grace and learned from my failures and mistakes, and I feel that I have grown because of them.


I am now looking into finding a support group in NJ that I can go to, because I now see and understand how this problem can devour you from the inside out. Isolation, depression can destroy you. And talking about how you feel is the only solution.

Nothing more then.....

feelings. Lots of things have been going on. When hopes get high, they have no where to go but down, I guess. I kind of thought that this was it, and that we would be, in the very least, trying to start a family. But, I guess it came to road block of sorts. For me, it's awful. I am drowning in all my emotions lately. For the most part, I feel empty and lonely. Lonely in that I have no one to go to to vent and talk to--at least no one to talk to who will just listen. Just listen. I don't want to censor myself to protect someone else's feelings. I just want to unload.

How can I say that I feel like everyday is retroactive? How can I say that I am angry? I am angry that I have PCOS and am not "normal", angry that the things that I find important in life won't come easy or at all? How can I say that I am sad.....the sadness is overwhelming. Sad. Depressed. How do I say that I feel I am skating on thin ice with my emotions? Every second is touch and go. How can I say that I went from being filled with hope, filled with gauzy visions of the future and could smile all day, to being filled with dread and despair and depression? Filled with fear. Fear that IVF will be too expensive. I won't be able to find a low cost trial, and we will be forced to pay lots of money that we don't have for it. Fear of regret. Will I regret not trying sooner?? Will I regret my choices? How do I explain that I feel betrayed in a way? Betrayed by the breaking of an understanding. The understanding that it IS going to be HARD, it will NOT be easy, and so, we should start now better then later.

How do I explain that right now, the words "pregnancy, baby" actually make me sick. I feel trapped and I want to hide--or throw up. I was doing alright today, until a client came in, he and his girlfriend have been together maybe almost a year. She's pregnant, and of course, had to say something about it. Well, I went from feeling ok, to wanting to crawl out of my own skin and just hide. Or run to the bathroom and throw up. I swear I felt pale. I can't even handle watching TV or a movie when infertility or pregnancy are topics. I feel like I want to melt into the sofa when I see it.

How do I explain the sense of time? The feeling of time moving too fast, and not having enough time, and feeling hurried?? How do I explain this to someone else when I don't understand it myself?

How do I put into words my reasons for wanting a child so badly? How do I say that I want a piece of Skylr with me always? Forever? Before something can happen to him? Before anything can go wrong in life? Before it's too late?? How do I say that I want the family I never had? Security? I want to raise a family with the values and morals that we both have? I want to have our children know his mom before it's too late? That I would love for them to know his grandmother and my grandparents before it's too late??

How do I say that I have not accomplished much, but having a family, a child is an accomplishment to me? That raising them to be kind, understanding, compassionate people is an accomplishment??

Wanting does not stop for circumstances. Other people find ways to do this everyday. Weather they are "ready" for it or not. So why not me??

Some days it's all too much for me.......

Back to the drawing board.....

So, now that my stupid cycle showed up, I am back to the grindstone looking for solutions to this mess. Last night was 2 hours of searching and clicking links and comparing. I don't think I have ever been so active in looking for a solution or another way around something as I am now. Right now, I am looking at 6, possibly 8 options.

First thing is first: I need to go back to my Dr. I need a U/S to see if the cyst has shrunk any. If I don't get any answers, I AM going to pitch a fit. I also looked at my most recent bloods....my TSH is high, so that could mean Hypothyroid. Also, from my bloods last year....my DHEA-S and F/Testosterone were BOTH high, so, to the dr's.....if I find this out again, not only will I pitch a fit, I will be looking into lawsuit! They told me that my F/Testosterone was within normal range, when it said RIGHT on the results page that it was HIGH. They never tested my TSH levels before July. I hate the clinic setting! The doctors SUCK!

Then Skylr needs to go for another SA to see if anything has improved. If not, BW for him to see what the issue is.

I then may need an HSG. Which will be another $500.00 out of pocket.

It really just seems never ending! It's upsetting and stressful for me, and I don't really have anyone to confide in and talk to about it, besides Skylr. Sometimes it would help to have another woman to talk to.

Bust

For all my hoping and wishing and thinking that we could beat the odds....nadda. Temps took a nose dive and started spotting. The disappointment is crushing. I just feel so down. And I know that it was a LONG shot anyway, but I was still hoping and hoping. Now, I just feel blah, and down and depressed. The urge to break something and the urge to just break down and sob seem to alternate. I don't know. It's just so crushing and so depressing.

10 dpo

Been 5 days since my last post. If it turns out to be a BFP, then the temp dip 5 days ago was implantation dip! Whoa!!! I have 10 temps above coverline, sooooooo things could be looking good! Fertility Friend gave me 65 early pregnancy points! Maybe Baby! I am 10 Dpo, and if I can hold out, will be testing the week of the 23rd.

On the other good note:
~Heartburn
~different "down below" odor
~Heavy/tender boobs
~Cramps for 2 days on the 6th and 7th (would be after implantation)
~Gassy....Oh my, it's bad!
~Horrible lower back pain

WTF!!!???!!!!???

So, I am in a 2WW.....and trying to do everything *right*! Well, last night, I wanted a GOOD night's sleep....and you would think that would be easy enough to get??? Right???......NO! Around 3am, I kept hearing a strange noise. A clinking noise. I looked around, didn't see anything, went back to sleep. 3:30, I wake up again and hear and do the same. Around 4:00am, I had a weird dream that someone said "the rats are loose" I replied "no, they can't get out". Well, every 20-30 minutes I keep hearing this noise and waking up. At 5am, I finally saw it.....one of our baby rats WAS loose in the bedroom and eating the dog food. I kept hearing her in the dog bowl! I caught her and put her back in the tank, but, I was sleep deprived and when I took my temp, it was all messed up.

I had a dip back to the coverline. Could be good and could be bad. We'll see tomorrow! Maybe tonight I will get some sleep!!!!!

WOW!

So, I actually ovulated on my own!!! Doubtful that it will be a BFP this cycle, but you never quite know. Part of me is still hopeful. We seemed to have timed it perfectly, even though it was not planned on or tried for. So, we'll see. I still can't believe it! The temp spike/drop (thermo shift) are just SO dead ON! Everything is text book ovulation! AMAZING!!! If AF does not show on or before August 22, 2009, then I will have to test to see......WILD! LOL
Chart says I am officially 3DPO

O Date: August 2, 2009




http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/28bba9

What???????

In the world?? Talk about confused! I have been temping and using OPK's and I finally got a + !!!! Yesterday AM and PM!!!! I have no idea if it was right or a fluke! More then likely, won't result in a BFP (but you never know), but, if my temps stay up, it at least means that I OV'd without clomid, soy, femera or anything like that. We shall see what tomorrow's temps will bring. If I dip back down...then I am at a loss. Must have been a fluke + on the OPK. I am excited to see what happens!

I have been on 4 GRAMS of Inositol, 800 mcg of extra Folic Acid and a Multivitamin. So, maybe all this has something to do with it!

Well....

Our first appointment was bittersweet. On one hand I learned a lot, on the other hand, we are getting set back. I found out that I have a tilted Uterus and I have a 5cm cyst on my left ovary. We were also in for a shock with finding out that besides PCOS, a tilted uterus and a cyst we will now battle male factor. The male factor pushed us out of the study. There are other studies, but for now, we need to find a specialist for the MFI. Hopefully it is nothing major, and easily fixed.

It's now just a set back....a hurdle. I have been charting my BBT and using OPK's, but so far at day 19 no ov. I have EWCM and had a temp spike, but I still don't think it was an ov cycle. So now I will be starting Provera to bring on a cycle. I will be using NPC at day 10-26 for up to 2 months to try to shrink the cyst. Hopefully, the cyst will have shrunk, but I will need a US to determine. Then, depending on the MFI, we will either be back on the study, in another study, or I will go on Soy Isoflavones (or maybe Clomid, depending on doctors).

For now, HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE.......it all works.

2 days to go.....

Well, here we are at the 2 day mark! The nerves have somewhat been replaced with something else. Something that I never felt before, and it's nice, but strange!

I look at Skylr and just KNOW how much I love him, and how thankful I am that he is in my life. I think how we found each other, and work so well and are so good together. The nerves I felt a day or so ago, have been replaced with a horrendous LONGING to have a baby with him.

This overwhelming longing and desire to have a family with him and have a part of him always. It just suddenly hit me, that if something were to ever happen to him, how awful it would be and how I would be a wreck, then I think if we are able to have a child, how wonderful it would be to just always have a part of him. That probably sounds weird. But, it's hard to put into words what it feels like to have that desire. I just never have before!

I know it's not going to be easy, and there is a lot to go through, and I do have fears. I think that's normal to have some fears, but I think as long as we are together, it will all be fine.

4 days till....

The screening tests in PA. I am now nervous! So many things can go wrong. I could have Cervical Stenosis, a Uterine problem, my Tubes could be damaged or blocked, the SA could be low, BMI could be too high. So many things!

But, I guess I won't know anything until Monday. It is easy to say "relax and don't think about all the things that could be wrong", but it's another to actually DO it!


Still walking every night, and eating as healthy as I possibly can for now!

1 week till....

So I feel like I am swimming upstream! It's a week and counting, I got my papers in the mail today for the screening test. And I have gone out and bought Instead Cups and Pre Seed, so I have all the stuff to give this "trying" 110%. Sometimes it just seems that this is a lot of work, and I'm not even sure if it will work.........

Every morning I take my temp, record it, and then I use a First Response Ovulation kit, then I take my vitamin....this is the AM routine. The PM routine has been making dinner, walking and then cleaning the kitchen. Laundry gets done whenever. The AM routine is annoying at times. But hopefully it will be worth it.


Just to ramble:
Today I went with my grandparents to my grandma's surgical consultation. For now, she just has physical therapy, which is good.

First Post!

This is my first post! Over the July 4th weekend, Skylr and I made a choice to start trying to have our first child! It was an emotional weekend, and for me it was exciting as well. The diagnosis of PCOS 10 years ago told me I would never have children. It bothered me, but not in a way that many would think. It bothered me to see myself as a "broken" woman. But, I wasn't thinking of children then. I met Skylr and things have been amazing. He is my everything and I could NOT picture my life without him. He is kind, caring, easy going, handsome, smart, affectionate, loving.....he is all I could ask for! So, I began to think of having kids and how nice it would be...........So, we talked about it, and I made an appointment with my doctor. I belong to a PCOS message board (soulcysters.com), and I found a link for a study of pregnancy in women with PCOS. I called and was quickly in touch with the RN who would be seeing me.

So, starting July 27th, 2009, I will be going to UPENN Hospital in Philly to have my screening appointment to ***HOPEFULLY*** begin fertility treatment and become part of the study.

I am excited about this, and can only hope!