FF...

Fertility Friend. The site that I visit EVERY morning. It is the second things I do EVERY morning. First thing is to temp, of course. So, yesterday I was 19 DPO, and now today, I am 20 DPO. I really thought AF would be knocking, with the severe cramps and back pain I had. But my temp went back UP to the coverline this morning. It certainly confuses me. FF is begging me to test.... "You have more than 18 days of high temperature. Please take a test, you may be pregnant" The actual quote from the site. To which I reply "not bloody likely". I bought a FRER HPT yesterday, but could not bring myself to do it this morning. I thought maybe just see what my temps do tomorrow. I know I should do it, so that I could start Provera. But looking at that pink box sitting on the bathroom counter.....I go to touch it and open it, and it's like the box contains a rattlesnake. Very scary......the fear of the BFN (LOL it should be a book title)! The fear of failing, once again, as a woman. The fear that I will NEVER have the family I so want. The fear that maybe more is wrong then just PCOS and MFI. Maybe my tubes are blocked? The fear that I will become what I don't want to be. Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear.......

I am sick of disappointment. I am sick of hoping and getting no where. I think it is starting to eat away at what optimism I had left. So, will see what temps do in the AM, and test and proceed with caution. Each BFN seems to send me reeling further down.