it was....

nice today to talk to someone who understands what I am going through. Not talking online, but in person. I was able to talk about my frustrations, my longings, my anxiety. To express my anger. Express my depression and disconnection I feel.

It also helped me actually understand some of what I am feeling. To put into words what it is that is all jumbled up inside. And to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Or that for us, dealing with infertility, these feelings are normal.

I used to think that people who felt this way were obsessive. Now, I know that it comes from way down, in your heart, in your soul. The way you can feel a panic attack coming on when you hear someone else is pregnant. The way you can feel bile rising when people start talking about babies. The dry heaves when people bring up baby showers, toys, diapers, cribs, strollers, maternity, prenatal. The feeling of being trapped. I can only guess that it is how a horse feels when it is cornered by fear. The panic. And the feeling of the flight instinct kicking in. Which is probably why people lash out with words, as a horse (or any other animal) would lash out with kicks and bites. I try to censor it as much as possible. But sometimes I want to scream.

Sometimes I want to yell and scream and curse. Sometimes I just get so mad. I get mad at life, I get mad at work, I get mad at myself, I get mad at Skylr, I get mad at the dogs, I get mad at my family. And I want to yell, and cry and rage.

I am at the point where I get pissed off at the Maury show. The "I'm not the father" thing. I mean, women who have slept with all the male citizens of a small town, and to top it all off, are strippers or who are 13 can get pregnant. Women who cheat, women who sleep with their husband's brother/cousin/best friend. It's enough to make you cringe.

Or you have the "wonderful" news article that talks about the man who put cocaine in his child's jacket pocket, telling him that it was candy, so he wouldn't be caught by the police. The child then goes to school, and of course, tells the other students he has candy. And they proceed to open the cocaine and lick it!!!!!

I mean, these are the people that are able to be parents!!!!!!! How is THAT fair? Where is the justice there????

Whereas, people, like me, who have good morals, but may have made a few mistakes, can't have a family on their own. I will admit, I have made mistakes. I know I have. And I have had my share of failures, but I have accepted them with grace and learned from my failures and mistakes, and I feel that I have grown because of them.


I am now looking into finding a support group in NJ that I can go to, because I now see and understand how this problem can devour you from the inside out. Isolation, depression can destroy you. And talking about how you feel is the only solution.