Nothing more then.....

feelings. Lots of things have been going on. When hopes get high, they have no where to go but down, I guess. I kind of thought that this was it, and that we would be, in the very least, trying to start a family. But, I guess it came to road block of sorts. For me, it's awful. I am drowning in all my emotions lately. For the most part, I feel empty and lonely. Lonely in that I have no one to go to to vent and talk to--at least no one to talk to who will just listen. Just listen. I don't want to censor myself to protect someone else's feelings. I just want to unload.

How can I say that I feel like everyday is retroactive? How can I say that I am angry? I am angry that I have PCOS and am not "normal", angry that the things that I find important in life won't come easy or at all? How can I say that I am sad.....the sadness is overwhelming. Sad. Depressed. How do I say that I feel I am skating on thin ice with my emotions? Every second is touch and go. How can I say that I went from being filled with hope, filled with gauzy visions of the future and could smile all day, to being filled with dread and despair and depression? Filled with fear. Fear that IVF will be too expensive. I won't be able to find a low cost trial, and we will be forced to pay lots of money that we don't have for it. Fear of regret. Will I regret not trying sooner?? Will I regret my choices? How do I explain that I feel betrayed in a way? Betrayed by the breaking of an understanding. The understanding that it IS going to be HARD, it will NOT be easy, and so, we should start now better then later.

How do I explain that right now, the words "pregnancy, baby" actually make me sick. I feel trapped and I want to hide--or throw up. I was doing alright today, until a client came in, he and his girlfriend have been together maybe almost a year. She's pregnant, and of course, had to say something about it. Well, I went from feeling ok, to wanting to crawl out of my own skin and just hide. Or run to the bathroom and throw up. I swear I felt pale. I can't even handle watching TV or a movie when infertility or pregnancy are topics. I feel like I want to melt into the sofa when I see it.

How do I explain the sense of time? The feeling of time moving too fast, and not having enough time, and feeling hurried?? How do I explain this to someone else when I don't understand it myself?

How do I put into words my reasons for wanting a child so badly? How do I say that I want a piece of Skylr with me always? Forever? Before something can happen to him? Before anything can go wrong in life? Before it's too late?? How do I say that I want the family I never had? Security? I want to raise a family with the values and morals that we both have? I want to have our children know his mom before it's too late? That I would love for them to know his grandmother and my grandparents before it's too late??

How do I say that I have not accomplished much, but having a family, a child is an accomplishment to me? That raising them to be kind, understanding, compassionate people is an accomplishment??

Wanting does not stop for circumstances. Other people find ways to do this everyday. Weather they are "ready" for it or not. So why not me??

Some days it's all too much for me.......