So.....

temp went up again this AM, and against my better judgement, I tested. After a crappy night's sleep, I was not in a good mood to begin with. To see that BFN sitting on the counter was enough to send me further down. Today, I am just so sick of it all. I am doing all this crap for what seems like nothing right now. I need to start eating better again, and exercising more, but it's hard. I work on my feet pretty much all day. I eat a small breakfast, just enough so that I know I won't get sick from the vitamins. Then I have dinner much later on.

I have to battle with depression, and I just feel useless, tired and annoyed all the time. I am annoyed at having to take 14 pills a day. I am annoyed that I am the only one out of this couple, who is doing all the research and taking the damn pills, I am the one who has to stick the stupid thermometer in my stupid mouth every stupid morning, I am the one who has to worry about my eggs, uterus, tubes, ovaries, and his sperm counts. I have to find phone numbers, make appointments and what seems like pull things out of my ass! And I have no control over anything! NONE! My body fails me, and hell, I guess my mind is too. I can't seem to get out of this depression for more then a few hours, if that, and I am back at square one.

There is talk about the study in Philly again.....but out of all the women on the PCOS websites, I don't think 20% of them have had success with clomid or femera in less then 6 months, and with MFI, they don't even have that. Clomid and femera with MFI is less than 1% success rate. And for the majority, clomid and femera don't work at all for them even without MFI. So, that then leaves IUI, which with MFI....they give about an 8% chance of working . IVF has a 30% national average success rate and I think that is with ICSI. So, those odds just BLOW!!! So, do I waste my time with the clomid/femera trial in the mean time while waiting to do IVF? Then to do the clomid/femera trial, that means sex three times a week. COME ON????!!!! REALLY! Right now, I am so depressed and my sex drive has never been so low. Right this second, I wouldn't care if I never had sex again! Which, if you knew me, you would know that that is cause for alarm right there.

I found out that one of the IVF studies I was interested in, the $5,300.00 study, has ended (well, I think it ended with one doctor but not the other) and that price was for ONE cycle. An experimental cycle at that! I am too scared to call SHER. I don't want to know right now what their idea of a low cost plan is. There are some others as well. But then you have to question. At $5,000.00 a sheer minimum a cycle, not guaranteed to work, and if it does not take you are out the $5,000.00 plus, why not go into a shared risk program where you pay $20,000.00 but get 6 cycles and all your money back if you do not deliver a healthy baby????????? There is a clinic in Alaska that has cycles for $1,800.00 (I think that is still his price). But how many people can afford to go to Alaska for as many weeks as it takes for IVF?????

Oh the stress!