Not sure....

what is going on! My temp is higher then ever for waking temps. I started Provera after the BFN, because I guess even an ectopic would have given a BFP. Or I hope so. Maybe I am coming down with something, and that is why temps are high? Maybe I have an ear infection again?

Skylr and I took a road trip after working yesterday. Went almost 2 hours into PA, and it was kind of nice. We actually talked about a lot. And resolved a lot. I told him, that if we are going to move forward, then we have to move forward. I can't get hopeful, and then a month or two later, hear that some other "thing" is preventing planning. Infertility is hard enough without the yo-yo effect.

So, the plan is to move forward. I am going to send him some IVF links, so that he can read exactly what it is we are going to have to go through. And we will probably find a doctor with a free consultation, and schedule one. I told Skylr, it's not like they poke you with a needle and BAM, your pregnant. There are tests, there is BW, there are drugs, there is sedation......it's a long process. It's also not intimate. It's not like we can go to bed, light some candles, play some "mood music" and a few weeks later, I am pregnant. In our case (and a lot of other people's) it is going to take a whole team of people to make us parents. I told him, there is going to be more people poking me and looking at my hoo-ha, then all the men that have been in my life romantically.
We talked about shared risk, and we talked about clinical trials. We figured that there are some places that charge around $5,000.00-$6,000.00 for one cycle. We should do one first. Then possibly go into shared risk. But we need to look into that as well, since some places only do shared risk starting with your first cycle.

I also expressed that, it's not just me. He needs to be taking vitamins and avoiding certain things too. No more excess coffee, no more excess soda. After all, if it were just my egg that could make a baby, why would we need a man??? Nope, it doesn't work that way, you need sperm too. And they need to be healthy, swimming and abundant.

So, we will see. I know for certain, that none of this is going to be easy.

So.....

temp went up again this AM, and against my better judgement, I tested. After a crappy night's sleep, I was not in a good mood to begin with. To see that BFN sitting on the counter was enough to send me further down. Today, I am just so sick of it all. I am doing all this crap for what seems like nothing right now. I need to start eating better again, and exercising more, but it's hard. I work on my feet pretty much all day. I eat a small breakfast, just enough so that I know I won't get sick from the vitamins. Then I have dinner much later on.

I have to battle with depression, and I just feel useless, tired and annoyed all the time. I am annoyed at having to take 14 pills a day. I am annoyed that I am the only one out of this couple, who is doing all the research and taking the damn pills, I am the one who has to stick the stupid thermometer in my stupid mouth every stupid morning, I am the one who has to worry about my eggs, uterus, tubes, ovaries, and his sperm counts. I have to find phone numbers, make appointments and what seems like pull things out of my ass! And I have no control over anything! NONE! My body fails me, and hell, I guess my mind is too. I can't seem to get out of this depression for more then a few hours, if that, and I am back at square one.

There is talk about the study in Philly again.....but out of all the women on the PCOS websites, I don't think 20% of them have had success with clomid or femera in less then 6 months, and with MFI, they don't even have that. Clomid and femera with MFI is less than 1% success rate. And for the majority, clomid and femera don't work at all for them even without MFI. So, that then leaves IUI, which with MFI....they give about an 8% chance of working . IVF has a 30% national average success rate and I think that is with ICSI. So, those odds just BLOW!!! So, do I waste my time with the clomid/femera trial in the mean time while waiting to do IVF? Then to do the clomid/femera trial, that means sex three times a week. COME ON????!!!! REALLY! Right now, I am so depressed and my sex drive has never been so low. Right this second, I wouldn't care if I never had sex again! Which, if you knew me, you would know that that is cause for alarm right there.

I found out that one of the IVF studies I was interested in, the $5,300.00 study, has ended (well, I think it ended with one doctor but not the other) and that price was for ONE cycle. An experimental cycle at that! I am too scared to call SHER. I don't want to know right now what their idea of a low cost plan is. There are some others as well. But then you have to question. At $5,000.00 a sheer minimum a cycle, not guaranteed to work, and if it does not take you are out the $5,000.00 plus, why not go into a shared risk program where you pay $20,000.00 but get 6 cycles and all your money back if you do not deliver a healthy baby????????? There is a clinic in Alaska that has cycles for $1,800.00 (I think that is still his price). But how many people can afford to go to Alaska for as many weeks as it takes for IVF?????

Oh the stress!

FF...

Fertility Friend. The site that I visit EVERY morning. It is the second things I do EVERY morning. First thing is to temp, of course. So, yesterday I was 19 DPO, and now today, I am 20 DPO. I really thought AF would be knocking, with the severe cramps and back pain I had. But my temp went back UP to the coverline this morning. It certainly confuses me. FF is begging me to test.... "You have more than 18 days of high temperature. Please take a test, you may be pregnant" The actual quote from the site. To which I reply "not bloody likely". I bought a FRER HPT yesterday, but could not bring myself to do it this morning. I thought maybe just see what my temps do tomorrow. I know I should do it, so that I could start Provera. But looking at that pink box sitting on the bathroom counter.....I go to touch it and open it, and it's like the box contains a rattlesnake. Very scary......the fear of the BFN (LOL it should be a book title)! The fear of failing, once again, as a woman. The fear that I will NEVER have the family I so want. The fear that maybe more is wrong then just PCOS and MFI. Maybe my tubes are blocked? The fear that I will become what I don't want to be. Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear.......

I am sick of disappointment. I am sick of hoping and getting no where. I think it is starting to eat away at what optimism I had left. So, will see what temps do in the AM, and test and proceed with caution. Each BFN seems to send me reeling further down.

DPO (days past ovulation)

According to FF I am 19 DPO. I was so hoping AF would visit without being forced. Severe cramps and pain in my legs lead me to believe that it may happen, and my temps dipped ever-so-slightly this AM. Hopefully AF will come in the AM. If not, well, I am going to take a HPT, even though I know it will be neg, and start Provera.

The parts of IVF that scare me is: Sperm need to be as healthy as the egg for faster success. That could mean VITAMINS (Zinc, Vitamin C, Selenium, etc.) or who knows. The cost and attempts scare me. Stats don't always mean anything, but they do say that it takes an average of 4 IVF cycles to take. I don't own anything to sell, and I don't know how to make large sums of money out of my profession. I don't have any hobbies that could pay off. And I don't play the lottery. My credit.....no go for financing. WTH? How could it come to this? I missed the boat for the only true FREE IVF cycles. And it was a trial in which they did cycles until it took. Every other trial I found started at $4,000.00 for an experimental IVF cycle. ONE cycle.

I looked into egg donation or shared cycle. Donation now scares me before I have a chance to do it for myself. What if something goes wrong? What if during the harvesting they ruin my ovaries? What if I get OHSS? What if the donation goes well, and then MY ET does not? Or my ER AND ET does not?? What if I produce fewer and fewer eggs for the harvesting and then I am left with hardly any to work with to get pregnant? If for every 25 eggs they get, only 10 get fertilized and only 3 make it???? What then???

So many fears. So many worries. So many anxieties. So many problems.

Songs.....

Here is a list of songs that are either about infertility or have lyrics that really say how I feel. And I am sure women who are suffering through infertility feel the same.

1. "I Would Die For That" Kellie Coffey (10 tissue rating!)
2. "So Hard" Dixie Chicks (5 tissue rating)
3. "Sorrow" Flyleaf (4 tissue rating)
4. "Slipped Away" Avril Lavigne (3 tissue rating)
5. "Mockingbird" Rob Thomas (not yet rated)
6. "Someday" Rob Thomas (not yet rated)
7. "Hard On You" Rob Thomas (not yet rated)
8. "Natural" Rob Thomas (not yet rated)
9. "Little Wonders" Rob Thomas (6 tissue rating)
10. "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" Heart (3 tissue rating)


If I find more songs and lyrics, I will post them!

it was....

nice today to talk to someone who understands what I am going through. Not talking online, but in person. I was able to talk about my frustrations, my longings, my anxiety. To express my anger. Express my depression and disconnection I feel.

It also helped me actually understand some of what I am feeling. To put into words what it is that is all jumbled up inside. And to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Or that for us, dealing with infertility, these feelings are normal.

I used to think that people who felt this way were obsessive. Now, I know that it comes from way down, in your heart, in your soul. The way you can feel a panic attack coming on when you hear someone else is pregnant. The way you can feel bile rising when people start talking about babies. The dry heaves when people bring up baby showers, toys, diapers, cribs, strollers, maternity, prenatal. The feeling of being trapped. I can only guess that it is how a horse feels when it is cornered by fear. The panic. And the feeling of the flight instinct kicking in. Which is probably why people lash out with words, as a horse (or any other animal) would lash out with kicks and bites. I try to censor it as much as possible. But sometimes I want to scream.

Sometimes I want to yell and scream and curse. Sometimes I just get so mad. I get mad at life, I get mad at work, I get mad at myself, I get mad at Skylr, I get mad at the dogs, I get mad at my family. And I want to yell, and cry and rage.

I am at the point where I get pissed off at the Maury show. The "I'm not the father" thing. I mean, women who have slept with all the male citizens of a small town, and to top it all off, are strippers or who are 13 can get pregnant. Women who cheat, women who sleep with their husband's brother/cousin/best friend. It's enough to make you cringe.

Or you have the "wonderful" news article that talks about the man who put cocaine in his child's jacket pocket, telling him that it was candy, so he wouldn't be caught by the police. The child then goes to school, and of course, tells the other students he has candy. And they proceed to open the cocaine and lick it!!!!!

I mean, these are the people that are able to be parents!!!!!!! How is THAT fair? Where is the justice there????

Whereas, people, like me, who have good morals, but may have made a few mistakes, can't have a family on their own. I will admit, I have made mistakes. I know I have. And I have had my share of failures, but I have accepted them with grace and learned from my failures and mistakes, and I feel that I have grown because of them.


I am now looking into finding a support group in NJ that I can go to, because I now see and understand how this problem can devour you from the inside out. Isolation, depression can destroy you. And talking about how you feel is the only solution.

Nothing more then.....

feelings. Lots of things have been going on. When hopes get high, they have no where to go but down, I guess. I kind of thought that this was it, and that we would be, in the very least, trying to start a family. But, I guess it came to road block of sorts. For me, it's awful. I am drowning in all my emotions lately. For the most part, I feel empty and lonely. Lonely in that I have no one to go to to vent and talk to--at least no one to talk to who will just listen. Just listen. I don't want to censor myself to protect someone else's feelings. I just want to unload.

How can I say that I feel like everyday is retroactive? How can I say that I am angry? I am angry that I have PCOS and am not "normal", angry that the things that I find important in life won't come easy or at all? How can I say that I am sad.....the sadness is overwhelming. Sad. Depressed. How do I say that I feel I am skating on thin ice with my emotions? Every second is touch and go. How can I say that I went from being filled with hope, filled with gauzy visions of the future and could smile all day, to being filled with dread and despair and depression? Filled with fear. Fear that IVF will be too expensive. I won't be able to find a low cost trial, and we will be forced to pay lots of money that we don't have for it. Fear of regret. Will I regret not trying sooner?? Will I regret my choices? How do I explain that I feel betrayed in a way? Betrayed by the breaking of an understanding. The understanding that it IS going to be HARD, it will NOT be easy, and so, we should start now better then later.

How do I explain that right now, the words "pregnancy, baby" actually make me sick. I feel trapped and I want to hide--or throw up. I was doing alright today, until a client came in, he and his girlfriend have been together maybe almost a year. She's pregnant, and of course, had to say something about it. Well, I went from feeling ok, to wanting to crawl out of my own skin and just hide. Or run to the bathroom and throw up. I swear I felt pale. I can't even handle watching TV or a movie when infertility or pregnancy are topics. I feel like I want to melt into the sofa when I see it.

How do I explain the sense of time? The feeling of time moving too fast, and not having enough time, and feeling hurried?? How do I explain this to someone else when I don't understand it myself?

How do I put into words my reasons for wanting a child so badly? How do I say that I want a piece of Skylr with me always? Forever? Before something can happen to him? Before anything can go wrong in life? Before it's too late?? How do I say that I want the family I never had? Security? I want to raise a family with the values and morals that we both have? I want to have our children know his mom before it's too late? That I would love for them to know his grandmother and my grandparents before it's too late??

How do I say that I have not accomplished much, but having a family, a child is an accomplishment to me? That raising them to be kind, understanding, compassionate people is an accomplishment??

Wanting does not stop for circumstances. Other people find ways to do this everyday. Weather they are "ready" for it or not. So why not me??

Some days it's all too much for me.......